4/4--Ahh. Today (Wednesday) was not a productive day. Which is not to say it was not a good day. Unless of course, you base your definitions of "good" on whether anything is accomplished.
Yes, the kitchen dishes did daunt me. Not initially, but ultimately--I think it started when I couldn't sleep. Finally slept on toward morning but, of course, woke up later than helpful (about 11am). This after getting a call postponing my job start date to Wednesday next week. That wasn't terribly disappointing, really--but there was just a feeling of complete lack of energy. Lack of vitamins? I don't know.
I may have started my period, which would explain lack of energy. WHY? Oh, yeah, because my body isn't yet hip to the fact that I am too fucking old to have kids. Or this is revenge for being on the pill for 8 years.
So--back to a day filled with nothing. I ran some errands with my daughter. We argued, so there is that energy drain, but really--it was over quickly. I cross-stitched and did idle things. I tried the almond milk on cereal; it was amazing. I think I am a convert. Other than that I ate badly, starting about 3pm with the consumption of nearly all of a can of reduced fat Pringles. That can't be good for you--especially since there was so much salt involved I had a distinct pucker when I finished.
*sigh* At some point I figured out the workout wasn't going to happen. That I wasn't going to make it happen. Doesn't mean I give up on the week; as that bitch Scarlett O'Hara once said, "Tomorrow is another day." Actually, I no longer believe her to be a bitch--just a powerful woman born before her time. Not that folks wouldn't call her that these days, too. So--tomorrow is tomorrow, not filled with punishment for today but with stronger striving for better results.
Heather asked me in kind of a roundabout way why I am visibly trying harder to function, and I told her I had to. I think I saw how I've been living. Checked off a mental checklist of "signs you are not doing well" and had too many things checked. Got sick of the smell of things. Wanted to not be on "Hoarders" one day. I dunno. It's not an epiphany, it's not always distinct, at least at first. Retrospect may show me the event, but right now I'm not looking at it--maybe it's too embarrassing, like picking my nose in public. I'll figure it out when I need to, I guess.
In the meantime--the weird thing: I am helping other people. Not yet with this blog, but yeah--I hope it will eventually. I've been fielding calls and texts and messages from other folks who are having bad days and mild melt downs; my friends who, for reasons unknown to me, feel they can rely on me during their crises. I pray I do not let them down, because it means a lot to me that they feel that way. It makes me feel stronger, more connected, more human. And I hope like hell the advice I give, the prayers and energy I send their way will all be good for them. I marvel that when I hang up or say goodnight or what not that I go back to feeling small and off-center.
Oh--since I didn't work out, I didn't shower. You folks need to know that. It's always been something I do--I shower every day. If I don't shower, there's not one available. I stopped showering every day some time over a year ago; I don't remember exactly when. I still do when I'm working, but when I'm not, I sometimes don't. Feeling good is often replaced by feeling "good enough", and there is a distinct difference between those two. So if the measure of success is whether or not I did some routine things to establish good hygiene (I did brush my teeth & take my meds), make myself look good, etc--I failed. I got dressed for my workout and then didn't go. And kept the sweats on all day as if I would, eventually, get to the gym. Well, it's midnite-thirty and yesterday is over. That's one way to tell if someone's depression or whatever may be getting worse: the neglect of the personal self. We may talk more of that later.
In the meantime, here's a bedtime story: some 20 years or so ago I took a wellness training course, designed to increase leadership and effectiveness--rather like the training Stephen Covey's group holds these days, but probably more detailed. One of the things I learned from it that I've never forgotten is that feeling bad about something you've done or not done--remorse, I guess, or regret--should be commensurate (if I'm using that word correctly) with the crime, at least in duration. Because in the end, it changes nothing, not even yourself. You can be profoundly sorry you did something, but that something will not become undone because of how long you feel, how much you feel regret for having done it. Same with not doing something--in fact, if you choose to use your energy simply to feel badly for not having done something you should, then you may have none left to take remedial action.
In other words: regret/remorse become self-pity at some point, which is indulgent. While it is important to acknowledge the ideal course of action that would have yielded better results, it is just as important to not mire yourself into the feelings that become non-productive self-loathing. In fact, they had a phrase to use just in case that should start to happen: "So what--NOW what?"
They had other things to use to illuminate occasions when you were heading into this behavior, other coping methods to get out of it, but this is the one that sticks with me. I've heard others use it; it is good to use as a kind of mantra or affirmation for learning from your past and starting anew. I have not killed humanity, nor doomed the earth to certain destruction; I have not killed anyone, nor allowed harm to come to anyone through my inaction; I have merely not done the best I could, today. "So what--NOW what?"
Now I get my ass to bed, and work it off tomorrow.
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